All indications point to making it

•July 18, 2016 • 2 Comments

When I was a wee young lad….say in my teens, I thought I’d be dead before making 40.  5 years ago, that was a pretty safe bet.  August will make 5 years since I’ve had a drink.

This weekend will make 40 trips around the Sun.  Damn.  Just, damn.  I am that grumpy old man I never thought I’d be.

Every once in awhile I get to thinking I could start drinking again.  But I don’t.  Because when I start thinking that I think of having 10 or 12 instead of 1 or 2.  Pretty safe bet I shouldn’t if that’s what I’m thinking.  Haven’t been to a meeting in awhile.  I need to go to a meeting.  The edge is coming back.

So ya, all indications point to making 40.  I need to do some work in other areas to keep from slipping.

If you’re reading this, I don’t care if you’re white or black or gay or straight.  I hope you have a great day, and blessings on you.  ALL LIVES MATTER.

#keepcomingback #itworksifyouworkit



Mid Life Crisis

•January 12, 2016 • 1 Comment

I’m going to be 40 this year.  ‘s good a time as any to have a mid life crisis.  No, I don’t want a sports car.  No, I don’t want a newer model wife.  No, I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.

I am so fucking lost.  Still sober.  Just…lost.

don’t feel guilty if at 22 you don’t know what you want to do with your life….some of the most interesting 40 yrs old’s I know still don’t.

This is what I know : I’ve got 25 more years before retirement.  I can’t imagine doing what I’m doing now for the next 25 years.  I don’t know what else I would do.  I don’t feel like I’m doing what I’d like to be doing.  I don’t know what I would like to be doing.  I don’t want to retire and not be able to enjoy it like either one of my parents.  I’m afraid life is pointless.  I’m afraid there is no God, or at least nothing like any religion imagines one to be. I’m not happy.  I don’t know how to be happy.  I’m afraid I’ll never be happy. I’m afraid I’m wasting my life in a fucking cube farm.

I don’t know how to resolve any of the above so I just go about my daily life.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

I dunno.  maybe I’m just a whiny little bitch.  I’ve got a great life.  Great Wife. Great kids.  Great job.  Great salary.  Everybody’s healthy.  etc, etc, etc…..there are people with less who are happier.  why can’t I be?  maybe I should just have less? There’s definitely a certain naive romanticism to just living in a cabin in the middle of the woods completely off the grid and away from society.  I said naive, right?

Do I know how to hunt? no.  Do I know how to farm?  no.  Do I know how to fish?  no.  k, so how bout a nice rustic cabin with 4G, hi speed internet, electric, endless supply of food, etc…?  ya, that’d be nice.

but trust me, on the Sunscreen.




Losing My Virginity

•November 8, 2015 • 1 Comment

4yrs 3 months’ish sober now.  51 months.

I wonder what the reason will be when I pick up another drink.  Let’s be honest, it’s not a matter of if.  Just a matter of when.  What’s the reason gonna be for me to pop my cherry and have another drink?

Some major life event like a family member falling seriously ill or dying?  Loss of job?  Divorce? Letting the daily grind win and just finally throwing up my hands and saying to fuck with it?

When I was in highschool we lived in Germany for awhile.  Ramstein AFB.  1989-1992.  Middle of 8th grade to end of 10th grade.  Fanfreakintastic experience overall.  While I was there I got involved in a Church Youth Group called Choices.  Great group.  God Bless the folks that ran that group.  Anyway, the group took a retreat trip once with another youth group and I ended up meeting some other kids, had some deep discussions, got into a little trouble, yada yada yada.

Ironically enough the reason I left was my parents divorced, and I’ve quite convinced myself since that there is no god.  Oh sure, billions of people all over the world have got it all wrong and I’m the only one in my right mind. <rolls eyes>

Please if you’re out there.  Help me believe again.


Dorky kid in the back middle, black jacket with yellow’ish strip.  Yup.  Yours truly.

At the end we all signed each other’s bibles like signing your yearbook.  There was a priest that was there and lead the retreat.  One of the discussions we had was on the topic of premarital sex.  At the time I was a virgin.  One of the signatures I got in my bible was along the lines of “don’t ever give away what you can never get back unless it’s right by you”  Like don’t give it up unless its on your terms.

Interestingly enough (maybe only to me), is the parallel between that and picking up the next drink. When I take that next drink and give up my sobriety, what’s going to be the reason?  Is it going to be alright by me?  Or am I just going to give up and say to fuck with it?

Oh I spose I could hold on to it just to spite whatever the reason is.  Kinda like “Fuck You, I’ll be damned if I waste my sobriety on you”  End of the day tho, I’ll either be all like “sure let’s drink again no big deal”, or “fuck it all and fuck it I give up”, or I’ll be so beat down I’ll waste my sobriety on whatever it was that was bugging me.


Oh hey by the way….

•September 6, 2015 • Leave a Comment

August 16 2015 I turned over 4 YEARS Sober.

1,460 consecutive days of not drinking Alcohol. I was so excited about it I forgot to post it, even tho it’s so easy a caveman could’ve right?  Why you’re right, that IS sarcasm.

As of this writing I’m at 1481’ish.  One more day, one more knotch.

it’s just routine now.  I just don’t drink.  My body and psyche has been retrained to not deal with stress by going to the bottle.

“…I don’t cry, when my dog runs away, I don’t get angry at the bills I have to pay.  I don’t get angry when my mom smokes pot, hits the bottle and goes right to the rock…”

One day at a time man.  If it gets too bad, go get more help than what you can stand doing it by yourself.  I had to go back to a few meetings last christmas and even half started back with a sponsor, but I’ve let it slip.

I started going to meetings for a bit with someone from work.  They’re not an alcoholic, but are going through a fairly gnarly divorce with one.It helps me to help others.

Anyway, hope you guys are all doing great.  Luv-in is what I got.


•July 11, 2015 • Leave a Comment


You ever wonder if God is patiently waiting for you to take your blinders off?  The Bible teaches us of a kind and loving God ever waiting for his children to come back home (if you believe a book written 2000 years ago by a bunch of guys who thought the Earth was flat and the center of the universe; spose you’ve got to leave the Old Testament out of it too)

But what if man?  What IF?  Sure, go ahead and sin and not believe.  When you finally do believe and repent, I’ll welcome you home.  Oh hey, by the way, all those times your friends or your family or your preacher lent you a helping hand?

That was me brah.

That was me through them, you’ll just have to believe me and trust you can’t fathom the reasons for why things are the way they are.  You’ll just have to believe.  F that man.  Not happenin.  Not in my DNA.  If you were such a great fucking creator, you’d have made the easy button of understanding for those that wanted it.

I did brah.  I did.  You just don’t use it.

And to top it off brah….I was speaking to you directly through them.  In a way only you would understand.  All those instances of 19 in your life once that was what you latched on to?  Right again brah.

I was working in your life in ways you didn’t even know or appreciate.  Even when you didn’t believe. Even now while you’re on the fence.  Right now I’m talking to others through their friends and family in ways that only they’ll understand.  Brah, just chill.




I don’t know man.  I just don’t know.  I’ll just keep looking for 19 I guess.

Thank You Lord for the opportunity(ies) to continue to learn Patience.


Still Sober, well dry anyway

•February 9, 2015 • Leave a Comment

One other quick note….Feb 9 2015…..still haven’t had a drink since August 2012.

Tho I don’t recommend it, I’m still not regularly going to meetings or have a sponsor.  I went to a couple over Christmas because it was getting to me, but not really since.

The pain I carry I have chosen to I spose, since I won’t pull my head out and am one of those that “can not or will not follow this simple program”

My advice to you is go to meetings, get a sponsor, and work the steps.  Show up, Shut up, Listen Up.


Way Too Deep (or….you think too much)

•February 9, 2015 • Leave a Comment

I’ve been meaning to put these thoughts down for awhile now.  I’m very much a visual person and I have to see a picture either in front of me or in my head to understand a thing.

So, here goes : There’s either a God or there isn’t.  And we’ll go ahead and assume God in the simplest Christian sense.  We won’t delve into some other divine creator that’s not the Christian God of creation.


– Created the Universe, didn’t see fit to explain it to us

– Science as we know it is wrong.  Meh, on 2nd thought, not really wrong, just not at a point where it can definitively prove or disprove a God.

– Made a Heaven for the Good Believers and a Hell for the Sinners

– Created the Christian Bible through Divine Intervention(?)/Inspiration(?) for Man to have as the cook book for how to live [note for simplicity sake we’ll just take the case of Christianity and not worry about Islam or other Religions]

– Jesus was real and performed miracles


– Something else we don’t understand created the Universe

– Science as we know it is right.  Meh, see comment above.

– No Heaven or Hell as we think of it

– Bible is just a bunch of words written by people who thought the Earth was flat and the center of the Universe.  Dinosaurs?  meh.  Neanderthals?  pfffttt.

– Jesus was just a man and descriptions of his actions grew with the telling over the ages.  Or they were just accepted as truth by an uneducated populace and became part of the culture that was flowed down.

Either way, I WANT there to be a God, and a point to this life.  I struggle with the why of life and the things the Bible doesn’t cover so much that I don’t even really know what I believe anymore, besides I believe I’ll never have an answer to my questions.  I WANT there to be a valid reason there’s Billions of other Galaxies in the Universe, let alone millions of supposedly statistically speaking habitable planets just in our own.

At a minimum, a Church family is a collection of Good People and friends that will do good things to help their friends and the community.  Why can’t I just go to church, enjoy time with my family, and leave it that?  Why can’t I get over the hump of hating the waste of time I see all the singing and praying as? [y’know….you liked church the most when you went ahead and made friends and did some service….why don’t you quit yer bitchin and start that up again?  hhmmm?)

So, what has all this bitching done for me?  IDK.  Has it solved any of my questions?  No.  Has it made me feel a little better getting it out of my head and on paper(reallly?  how quaint.  We’re bloggin here y’know.  E-Filin) Yes

Like I said, Way Too Deep.

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