whew, 6 months in and I’m up in the 60’s on posts. having this blog has been very therapeutic. To write down whatever I was thinking and not mince words, has just been freeing. But to someone who’s here for the first time and doesn’t feel like going back through everything, I’ll attempt to encapsulate.
February 2010: I’ve just gotten out of the hospital in late January for chest and arm pains. both arms pain and tingling, chest pain, shortness of breath. Our cat just died and I’ve gone on a bender which landed me in the hospital. Seeing the angst I’ve levied on my family, I decide to finally get serious about quitting drinking. but damn it’s hard.
Feb-whenever: I’m working through my issues. cravings, stress, jealousy that other people can drink, why the F can’t I? going to a meeting here and there, can’t get over the whole “powerless” thing.
March?: fam leaves for springbreak to go visit my wife’s dad. woohoo! I can drink. another bender ensues, I begin to see I can’t live like this anymore, but I do anyway.
Sometime thereafter: I’ve been sober for awhile but I’m going on a biz trip. I’ve been sober almost a month but I fuck it up fairly quickly as soon as I step on the plane. de plane! first class! free drinks, how could I not?! the hotel! free happy hour! how could I not!?
more fits and stops of drinking or not brings us to June: fam goes away for 3(?) weeks and I drink. every.day. It’s now almost August and I’m still recovering. I feel the worst I’ve ever felt drinking during this period. nausea after eating, complete lethargy, general pooh’ishness. still having shortness of breath issues. me thinks my liver has finally had enough. latest blood test reveals a slightly elevated marker that could indicate liver disease. doctor’s apt to discuss imminent.
also in there has been my ocd’edness about dying before I turned 34. See; obsession with 19; 21 97 12. Well, I’m still alive and 34 now. whole new chapter right? lots of work to do.
Quitting drinking is like coming out of a fog and being able to see clearly for the first time in a long time. Unfortunately, while in that fog, lots of damage may have been done.
But anyway, I’m in a much better place now than I was 6 months ago in the hospital. I still have a long way to go, but I’m gonna get there. I’ve finally rounded a corner and am able to see my family for the blessing it is rather than the obstacle that keeps me from drinking. The love I once had (have?) for drinking is slowly being filled by being able to love and care about other things in my life, no longer obscured by drinking first.